What a beautiful day today was! Have to admit, I am kinda bummed. I was hoping to be able to take the babies outside to play. But I just don't feel good. I very rarely get sick, thanks to a bad case of OCD and very frequent hand washing...But, Spring is here, so I'm sure there will be many more days. My Dad called tonight. FIVE times in a row. He does that. He won't just call once. It's as if he knows I am right by the phone and simply choosing not to answer. It's as though he can see through my walls. Sadly, he is right. I just can't do it. I hold the phone, I want to answer. But I just can't do it. I've only talked to him once in the last month. And that was because he happened to catch me at a moment of weakness. He asked me if I had been avoiding him, to which I replied,"No, Dad..." with a nervous laugh. But then I decided I'd better tell him the truth. "My therapist just thought we needed a break."  He laughed and said, "Damn! What's up with your therapist and parents? Was he a fuckin orphan or something?" That was kinda funny. My Dad hasn't been at my house for about a month. And when he was here, he was NOT nice. He is an alcoholic, among other things. And he only wants to come here so that he can drink. He had a stroke almost 7 years ago and lives at Assisted Living Home. He cannot drink there. I rarely have a drink. Unless it is a Birthday Party, or some very special occasion. And I NEVER drink around the babies. Just one of those things where I hated being around my Father all messed up when I was growing up, and so I would never want to do that to my kids. Kinda like people who were abused and then grow up and beat the crap out of their own children. How could you do that when you know how awful it feels? No respect or sympathy for people like that! NONE.I used to tell him no, but then he kept running away from the homes he was living at and calling cabs and going to really seedy motels. And I would always have to hunt him down and go rescue him. Everytime he would be on the floor. Everytime. I would try to get him up and help him sober up. Sometimes I couldn't and I ended up having to call an ambulance. Just really hard on me. So then I thought it was safer for him to come and sit in a chair and have a drink at my house. I know that sounds crazy. It was actually just as hard on my having him here. He would fall, or pee the bed. Just so many things. And the whole time I am thinking to myself, "Why did you let this happen? You are not a child. You do not have to put up with this. He has other family members out there..." Somewhere along the way I had become his enabler. I can remember being a teenager and spoon feeding him. I can remember him sobbing over and over. He had my pity. He had gotten me to feel sorry for him. While everyone else had had enough, I was still there, like a dumb ass. Trying to save him. And the sad thing is, I never could. And I probably never will. He has called me every horrible name in the book. Even threw a knife at me once. Told me he was going to "gut me like a fish..." and I just kept going back for more. Out of pity and loyalty. But where was his pity for me? His loyalty for his daughter? He has none. Absolutely none. So, the last time he came over he was a complete jerk. And he wanted to drink and I told him no and he attacked. He told me I am crazy and a lot of other hurtful things. But the crazy part hurt the worse. I had some really bad things happen to me when I was in my younger years. I had a horrible time dealing with all of it. And I just kind of accepted that I was "crazy". Looking back, I see I was never crazy. They were the crazy ones. I was the good one who tried to take care of them, and when their stress was to much for me to bare, I broke down. I have been seeing a therapist for a year and a half now. He has changed me in so many ways. He has helped me to see who I really am, and to believe in myself. He has encouraged my photography and everything else positive in my life. He has showed me that I was never crazy, just beaten down. When I had my children, I didnt treat them the way I was treated. I LOVED them. There have been about 6 people who have ever been able to watch my children in their entire lives, because I am constantly trying to protect them. I do not impose adult problems on to them. I do not beat the crap out of them or call them bad names...And this is the final step in protecting them. I have to keep him away from them. I cannot compromise my values and beliefs any longer. He is a big boy. I have to protect my children and their Mommy. So, in the last conversation I had with him, he once again said he wanted to come here and drink. I said no. I do not want drinking around my children. I told him that when I am around him drinking, it is as if I am just a little girl again. Trying to take care of her "Daddy" and that I wasn't going to do that to myself anymore! And I told him that someday, someone will probably offer my children alcohol and I do not want them to look back and think "Papa did it..." He became agitated and threatened that he was going to go to a motel. I stood my ground and told him that I was no longer going to go out into the night and search at scummy motels for him. He got mad and hung up on me. I haven't answered a call from him since. I have taken care of him long enough. May God be with him...  


I can hear myself screaming
Begging for mercy
" I'm your daughter, I'm your daughter!! "
Why don't you love me?

How could you hurt me?
Why do want me to die?
Why can't you feel my pain?
Why do you laugh when you see me cry?

Why do you damn me to hell
And call me such bad names?
This isn't fun dear daddy
I don't want to play these games...

I think about the past
As tears stream down my face
I can remember even then
Trying to get away from that place...

That place that you built, daddy
That house that had no love
That house was filled with anger,
Alcohol and drugs...

I guess you never loved me
Though it's hard for me to bear
It's hard for any daughter
To know her daddy never cared...

Just wanted to write you daddy
And tell you I will not die
No more laughs for daddy
Because this time I'm not gonna cry...

I refuse to let you hurt me
No more words to say
Just wanted to tell you it's over
Cuz this shit stops today...