Seeing Red...

Can't sleep...I have to say that I think sometimes people mistake my kindness for weakness. In fact, I am sure of it. There really is no in between with me. I am either Mary Poppins or I see red. If there is a bully, I see red. If I am truly backed into a corner, I see red. If someone tries to hurt my family, I see red. I am trying to work on this, and come up with more effective ways of being assertive. lol  I guess that is what I did tonight. Maybe my therapist would be proud. In fact, I'm almost positive he would. It all started 9 years ago, when my son, Andrew, was born. His biological father, Bradley, and I separated a week before he was born. His parents came and rescued him from Michigan, and took him back to Alabama, where he had been born & raised. I have to admit, being 9 months pregnant at the time, I was quite emotional about the whole situation. He had stolen from a man he worked for here, and I guess decided he'd better get the heck out of dodge. I went to the hospital & had an emergency C-section. My Mom went with me & held my hand. That was the most magical, wonderful day of my entire life (only to be matched by the birth of my 2 beautiful daughters). It was on that day, that I knew everything would be alright. Forever. I called Bradley from the hospital to tell him how our son was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, but he wasn't home. I called a few more times, and finally reached him after we were out of the hospital and at home. He told me to bring Andrew to Alabama, he wanted us to move there. When I said no, his Mom got on the phone and started screaming,"Bring our baby here, right now! That is our damn baby, too! Bring him here, or we'll come and get him while your sleeping!" Her words burned to the very depth of my being. I suppose because I knew that she was capable of doing just that. Kidnapping my baby, without a second thought. That was the day that I truly understood a Mother's love. The kind of love that would cause you to jump in front of a moving train to save your child. I told her that if she came to steal my baby, I would kill her. And I meant it. I've never meant anything more in my entire life, as I meant those words. I suppose she must have heard it in my voice, because she never did come. She never did come, and I never did forget. Time passed & I went down to Alabama when Andrew was 10 months old. My Grandparents & brother lived down there. Bradley saw Andrew for the 1st time ever, through a thick piece of glass, as he was in jail. His greeting to Andrew was, "Hey Shithead". I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I suppose he didn't know any better, but it was that exact moment that solidified my belief that I had made the right decision in staying to live in Michigan. I remember that the day before my flight was to leave, I was at my brother's house when a friend of the family called. "Run away, Shannon! They are planning on taking Andrew! Get out of here as fast as you can!" She warned. My blood ran cold. I didn't sleep at all that night. I have never been so relieved, as when I made it safely back to Michigan, with my beautiful baby boy. A couple of years later, I was on the phone with Bradley's Mother again. She was telling me how Andrew needed to be down there with his Father. I told her that Juan was the only Father Andrew had ever known. She started screaming & I hung up. She kept calling over & over leaving nasty messages. Calling Juan the "N" word. They couldn't bare the thought of Andrew being raised by a Hispanic man. But that Hispanic man has helped raise Andrew into the amazing boy he is today. That Hispanic man put food in Andrew's tummy & shoes on his feet. That Hispanic man hugged Andrew when he was sad, and tucked him in at night. That Hispanic man was Andrew's Father. That Hispanic man IS Andrew's Daddy...It is not the color of one's skin that matters. It is the kindness in their heart... After that, I never let them know my phone number. I called restricted anytime I would call. They always had my Grandma's phone number, in case of emergency. They only called her twice in all of those years. I guess you might be wondering why I ever called at all. I never received a penny in child support. Andrew never got so much as a Birthday card. I suppose I called because I just couldn't blame all of Bradley's actions on him. I knew he had been abused from a young age. He had told me stories of being beat with extension cords & I had seen the mental abuse myself. You know that syndrome where the victim becomes loyal to their abuser? I am sure Bradley had that. Bradley committed suicide on July 29, 2007. Poor Bradley. His sister found me on facebook about a week ago, & has been asking to speak to Andrew. Today, I finally let Andrew talk. He has no idea who she is, he doesn't know them. But he was polite, as I have taught him to be. The 1st thing she told him was that she is going to come get him when school lets out for Summer vacation. When he got off the phone, he told me. He said he was scared & didn't want to got there with people he doesn't know. I told him he didn't have to worry, because it wasn't going to happen. I must admit, I felt both anger & fear at the same time when Andrew told me that. Anger that she thought she had the right to just come scoop up my child after I have raised him all of these years, anger that she didn't discuss it with me before saying something like that to him...And fear, because I do not trust them. Then tonight,a couple of hours ago, I got this message in my inbox. This is it, word for word. I copied & pasted it to here-

"hay, i figured it out eather u can let me come get andrew when he gets out of school 4 summer so he can spind time with us or i can come up there and kidnap him whitch is gona have 2 be kidnaping or freewilling lol"

As soon as I read it, I started to see red.  That Motherly instinct to protect my child instantly surfaced. Why did I even let him talk to her in the 1st place? How could I be so naive? I should've known better. I tried to remain as calm as possible and this was my return message,

"I am very sensitive when it comes to the "kidnapping thing" because when he was 1st born your Mom said she was going to come and take Andrew from me. Kidnap him! When he was a newborn! You would beat the crap outta someone if they said that to you! I will never forget that as long as I live. And then, when I was there 8 1/2 years ago, she tried to kidnap him before I could  leave Alabama with Andrew. I will not tolerate that kind of stuff. He is MY son. I have taken care of him for over 9 yrs without ANY help from anyone except Juan.. Nothing against you personally, but he doesnt even know you guys, because he never knew Bradley. I understand that you miss Bradley, but you have to understand that I have raised Andrew completely on my own. To ask for me to send him down there when he is scared to do that, is just something that is not going to happen. I'm sure he would love you, but based on what has happened in the past with your Mom saying she was going to kidnap Andrew, I just do not feel comfortable with that. I just thought I should be honest with you."

 So, that was the part where my therapist would be proud. lol I tried to handle it as civilly as possible. I just had to speak up. But, now I'm not exactly sure what to do. I need some advice. I am anticipating some backlash from my message. I just don't know...I am quite stressed lol   

Peach fuzz, open mouths and one eyed horses. I love you.

I love you.
I love the way you see the world.
I love the way you believe in yourself.
I love that I'm your hero. Because you're my hero too.
I love the way your mouth hangs open, just a little, when you focus really hard.
I love the way, even though your stuffed animal "Horsey" is missing an eye, you love him with all of your heart and sleep with him every night, so "he" won't get scared.
I love the way, even though you always mess with your sister, you follow her around like a puppy dog.
I love how when the girl at school said you have a mustache, you told her it was only "peach fuzz" and then told me,"I don't even eat peaches Mommy!"
I love the way you don't think it's uncool to call me Mommy.
I love your laugh.
Your smile.
I love everything about you.

And I really, really love when you tell me, "I love you so much in the whole world!" And stretch your arms out as far as they can reach.
I love you too. 
So much.
In the whole world.
I love you.

Angel

This blog is for my brother Sean and Katie's family. My heart aches for them...Sometimes people just expect that as time passes, you should be just be ok. But the hole that is left in ones heart takes a very long time to heal. Their daughter, and his beautiful girlfriend, passed away in January. Such a beautiful, amazing person... Rest in Heaven, dear Katie.

I wish that I could hold you
And take your pain away
Wish That I could give you strength
To face another day...

Wish that I could ease your pain
And wipe your tears away
Wish that I could turn back time
And change that awful day...

Wish that I could take your heart
And fix the hole inside
Wish that I could stop the pain
The pain you try to hide...

I know that people tell you
That you'll make it through somehow
And I pray that you'll take comfort
That she's watching you right now...

I know she wants to take your heart
And kiss it, till it hurts no more
And tell you all the special things
She forgot to say before...

I know she wants you happy
She has so much love for you
I know she wants to ease your pain
Just like I want to do...

God just missed his Angel
She has not went away
She's always right beside you
Each and every day...

So I pray that you'll find comfort
In knowing she's still here
And if she could, she would say she loves you
And wipe away your tears...


~xoxo <3

Smile :)

My sister was just here a couple of weeks ago and I had such a wonderful time!! She is my best friend in the whole world, and I always love spending time with her and her family...While she was here, I snapped some photos of her daughters and in order to get the 2 year old to cooperate I did what any self respecting photographer would do...I bribed her! I bribed my little heart out! I bribed with stuff I didnt have...Mainly, cupcakes!! I know they are my 2 year old nieces'  favorite!  I have never seen such a big smile on a kid as when you offer Lilly some cupcakes! It's so stinkin cute! So, when the shoot was almost over, I started to sweat it a little. I knew I had to come up with cupcakes, or else! Luckily, Brandi offered to run to the store and saved the day! Anyway, I was just looking through my photos and this one brought a smile to my face. Brandi and I laughed so hard when we saw it! Brandi said Lilly looked so intense, she might actually have it printed out and put it in her bathroom, by the toilet! Just thought I'd share it, in the hopes that it tickles you the way it does me ;) As we were all sitting eating cupcakes, I was showing Brandi things on the computer and ran across a video of my kids, lip sinking. During almost the entire video, Bella was attempting to pick her wedge. It was so cute! Brandi and I laughed and soon all of the kids started laughing hysterically and out of nowhere I hear Bella let out a scream! She is under the table sobbing...Poor Baby Bella. But, I have to admit, it is a funny video ;) xoxo

What a beautiful day today was! Have to admit, I am kinda bummed. I was hoping to be able to take the babies outside to play. But I just don't feel good. I very rarely get sick, thanks to a bad case of OCD and very frequent hand washing...But, Spring is here, so I'm sure there will be many more days. My Dad called tonight. FIVE times in a row. He does that. He won't just call once. It's as if he knows I am right by the phone and simply choosing not to answer. It's as though he can see through my walls. Sadly, he is right. I just can't do it. I hold the phone, I want to answer. But I just can't do it. I've only talked to him once in the last month. And that was because he happened to catch me at a moment of weakness. He asked me if I had been avoiding him, to which I replied,"No, Dad..." with a nervous laugh. But then I decided I'd better tell him the truth. "My therapist just thought we needed a break."  He laughed and said, "Damn! What's up with your therapist and parents? Was he a fuckin orphan or something?" That was kinda funny. My Dad hasn't been at my house for about a month. And when he was here, he was NOT nice. He is an alcoholic, among other things. And he only wants to come here so that he can drink. He had a stroke almost 7 years ago and lives at Assisted Living Home. He cannot drink there. I rarely have a drink. Unless it is a Birthday Party, or some very special occasion. And I NEVER drink around the babies. Just one of those things where I hated being around my Father all messed up when I was growing up, and so I would never want to do that to my kids. Kinda like people who were abused and then grow up and beat the crap out of their own children. How could you do that when you know how awful it feels? No respect or sympathy for people like that! NONE.I used to tell him no, but then he kept running away from the homes he was living at and calling cabs and going to really seedy motels. And I would always have to hunt him down and go rescue him. Everytime he would be on the floor. Everytime. I would try to get him up and help him sober up. Sometimes I couldn't and I ended up having to call an ambulance. Just really hard on me. So then I thought it was safer for him to come and sit in a chair and have a drink at my house. I know that sounds crazy. It was actually just as hard on my having him here. He would fall, or pee the bed. Just so many things. And the whole time I am thinking to myself, "Why did you let this happen? You are not a child. You do not have to put up with this. He has other family members out there..." Somewhere along the way I had become his enabler. I can remember being a teenager and spoon feeding him. I can remember him sobbing over and over. He had my pity. He had gotten me to feel sorry for him. While everyone else had had enough, I was still there, like a dumb ass. Trying to save him. And the sad thing is, I never could. And I probably never will. He has called me every horrible name in the book. Even threw a knife at me once. Told me he was going to "gut me like a fish..." and I just kept going back for more. Out of pity and loyalty. But where was his pity for me? His loyalty for his daughter? He has none. Absolutely none. So, the last time he came over he was a complete jerk. And he wanted to drink and I told him no and he attacked. He told me I am crazy and a lot of other hurtful things. But the crazy part hurt the worse. I had some really bad things happen to me when I was in my younger years. I had a horrible time dealing with all of it. And I just kind of accepted that I was "crazy". Looking back, I see I was never crazy. They were the crazy ones. I was the good one who tried to take care of them, and when their stress was to much for me to bare, I broke down. I have been seeing a therapist for a year and a half now. He has changed me in so many ways. He has helped me to see who I really am, and to believe in myself. He has encouraged my photography and everything else positive in my life. He has showed me that I was never crazy, just beaten down. When I had my children, I didnt treat them the way I was treated. I LOVED them. There have been about 6 people who have ever been able to watch my children in their entire lives, because I am constantly trying to protect them. I do not impose adult problems on to them. I do not beat the crap out of them or call them bad names...And this is the final step in protecting them. I have to keep him away from them. I cannot compromise my values and beliefs any longer. He is a big boy. I have to protect my children and their Mommy. So, in the last conversation I had with him, he once again said he wanted to come here and drink. I said no. I do not want drinking around my children. I told him that when I am around him drinking, it is as if I am just a little girl again. Trying to take care of her "Daddy" and that I wasn't going to do that to myself anymore! And I told him that someday, someone will probably offer my children alcohol and I do not want them to look back and think "Papa did it..." He became agitated and threatened that he was going to go to a motel. I stood my ground and told him that I was no longer going to go out into the night and search at scummy motels for him. He got mad and hung up on me. I haven't answered a call from him since. I have taken care of him long enough. May God be with him...  


I can hear myself screaming
Begging for mercy
" I'm your daughter, I'm your daughter!! "
Why don't you love me?

How could you hurt me?
Why do want me to die?
Why can't you feel my pain?
Why do you laugh when you see me cry?

Why do you damn me to hell
And call me such bad names?
This isn't fun dear daddy
I don't want to play these games...

I think about the past
As tears stream down my face
I can remember even then
Trying to get away from that place...

That place that you built, daddy
That house that had no love
That house was filled with anger,
Alcohol and drugs...

I guess you never loved me
Though it's hard for me to bear
It's hard for any daughter
To know her daddy never cared...

Just wanted to write you daddy
And tell you I will not die
No more laughs for daddy
Because this time I'm not gonna cry...

I refuse to let you hurt me
No more words to say
Just wanted to tell you it's over
Cuz this shit stops today...

Doll Baby

So, I was sitting here editing pics, and feeling quite blissful and thought I'd take a minute to share :) My most recent shoot was of a 2 year old little doll baby, named Leeyah. To cute for words! I had so much fun doing her pics, and I have to admit, I couldn't help being overly fond of her. Her Mom is a dear friend of mine, who I haven't seen in years! It's always awesome to see friends that I haven't sen in a while, but it is amazing to see their kids! Just something so cool about noticing the similarities between them :) I have made many friends over the years, and there are so many that I would love to see again. Each one of them affecting my life and who I am today, in some special way...I feel very blessed to have a job that allows me to reconnect with them...xoxo

It's funny looking back

On the way things used to be

All the people in my life

That meant so much to me...

I wonder how they are

What choices they decided to make

And when it came to life's long journey

What paths they decided to take...

I wish them all the best

With what they all became

And I'm sure that if they could

They'd wish me just the same...

And I cannot help but wonder

How life works this way

How someone can touch your heart

In such a special way...

There was a time in my life

When they meant so much to me

Now it seems,however

A distant memory...

Through the good times and the bad

They were my truest friends

It's strange how things have changed

It's sad it had to end...

Yet it wasn't because of bad blood

That we were torn apart

One chapter in our lives was over

And it was time for a new one to start...

We promised we'd stay together

We would always be there

Nothing could tear us apart

The bond that the two of us shared...

It's sad now sitting here

Thinking of where they could be

And I cannot help but wonder

If they are also thinking of me...

I wonder if they smile

Or it brings a tear to their eye

For we simply drifted apart

We did not even say goodbye...

So I'm sorry to all my friends

That life has torn us apart

But also please take comfort

That you're forever in my heart...

Rest in Peace...

 Today was "Banana Split Day" at my house. I got the babies report cards and they all did awesome, and I am very proud of them. But, I have to admit, that Kimmy's really took me by surprise. She earned all S and S+'s and her teacher said that she is the top reader in her class! I am so happy for her!  I just honestly feel, once you learn to read, the possibilities in this life are endless! I love all my children so much, and I am always proud of them, as long as they try their best...But I guess I just never expected for Kimmy to do that well. I know that probably sounds bad, but I remember being so concerned about her when she was about 3 years old. She hardly spoke any words at all. In fact, I had her tested for autism. I was so worried about my baby girl and what the future would hold for her. The thought of her having to depend on someone else for the rest of her life frightened me deeply. I can remember being pregnant with my oldest child and my brother asked me if I would like him to pray anything for my baby. My response was, "Yes, please pray that the baby can learn at a normal rate..."  I love my children so much, they are my heart, my life and my entire world. But I have seen how hard it is for people who have a learning disability, first hand. My first husband, Andrew's father, had a horrible time reading and writing. Something we all take for granted. I watched him struggle so much in life, watched all the horrible things he had to endure, and I just never wanted my own children to suffer the same fate. You see, when I had just turned 20 I married Andrew's biological father, Bradley. I had recently moved to Alabama ( following my Mother's relocation ) and I was young and probably not thinking very clearly at the time. Life seemed like a movie to me and I was it's star ( in my mind at least! ) Bradley was unlike anyone I had ever met, a very hard worker and a risk taker. He had a very thick southern accent and did a lot of physical labor. I guess i was used to city boys( in Saginaw) who, if they had any muscles at all, only had them from lifting weights. Not Bradley. His came from good old fashion hard work. We lived in a " village" called Fruithurst, Al. For those of you who know Millington, well let's just say that  to compare the 2 would be like Millington and Saginaw. Not even one stop light in this place. Not even a gas station. So Bradley wasn't an educated man nor did he come from an educated family. Not in the typical way of thinking , anyway.More educated in real life skills, I would say. Actually, his sister, brother, cousin and sister-in-law all went to prison shortly after we were married.. For bank robbery! 4 young adults robbing a bank. I know that was very stupid but they also seemed to have a sort of blind braveness. Who does that? Everyone has probably joked about it before but to actually do it! Anyway, that all seemed ok at the time but later when I found out I was pregnant, things changed. Did I want my son to grow up in some crappy life? To learn some lapsed  sense of values? No, I did not. I wanted my beautiful baby to have a wonderful life and to grow up being respectful and honest. I wanted him to want more because he knew better. Because he knows that the possibilities in this life are endless. And he will.  Looking back I think Bradley was actually a very smart man considering he had such little education. Classroom education. He just worked very very hard from a very young age. He could fix anything on your car and could rebuild a motor with exact precision. He just had a lot of problems and wasn't ready to be a father. We separated exactly one week to the day before Andrew was born. I used to call down to Alabama all the time to let them know how beautiful Andrew was. How smart he was or when he was sick.. Bradley used to ask me when I was coming home. I would simply reply,"I am home, Bradley". Even after I was with Juan and he had taken on his role of Andrew's loving father, I still called every now and then. I went on to have 2 more children and the calls were few and far between.Finally, that June my Grandma called me and said that Bradley was trying to reach me but had lost my #. So I called down to Alabama and talked for a little while. I told him Andrew was going to school this year and how he was so smart. He said he must have gotten it from me and I told him that wasn't true. I let Andrew sing his ABC's into the phone. He didn't even know that he was singing to his father because Juan is the only father Andrew has ever known.Juan is the one who has been his father  ( emotionally, financially). Bradley never paid one penny in child support. I guess I didn't hold it against him because I had Juan. And honestly, I don't know why, but through all that I wanted so bad for Bradley to be proud of his son. I wanted him to see that maybe he could have been as great as Andrew, had he just been given the opportunity. The love. But I guess he didn't. Andrew's father Bradley Bell passed away on July 29, 2007. He hung his self in his parent's front yard, just after midnight.. You know, it's really strange how even when you are not raised with someone , there are certain traits that simply come from heredity. So many times I see little things that Andrew does and it reminds so much of Bradley. I can't help thinking had Bradley had a nurturing home life what he could have been. All the things he could have accomplished in life. I can only hope that as he looks on from heaven he can know that his life was not a waist or a failure..From him came my precious little angel, Andrew Joseph Bell. Thank you Bradley, may God bless xoxo